You've got to be lying

Deadline Dec. 16 for world's biggest lie contest

(Published Nov. 30, 2006, 8:38 a.m.)

Burlington Liars Club President John Soeth notes that despite trying hard to use them all up during the recent election campaign season, politicians have again let some lies unused.

These lies are still out there, he says, and are available for prevaricators the world over to enter in the 2006 Burlington Liars Club contest.

The yearly judging to select the World Champion Lie will take Dec. 16.

The Burlington Liars Club has selected the champion lie yearly since 1929. Winners have come from far and wide.

The winner receives a parchment certificate declaring him or her the World Champion Liar. The liar's name and lie are circulated around the world.

Soeth says the best lies are fairly short, start out quite plausibly, and end up with a twist, which makes them an obvious spoof.

There are many excellent tall tales submitted annually and selecting the best is a real challenge for the club's judges.

Last year's winner was hometown liar Bill Meinel of Burlington, brought the title back to the club's hometown with a "logical" explanation of his son's sliding school grades.

He says, "My son's high school grades went from all As to all Ds. This happened right after he had his wisdom teeth extracted."

Six other lies submitted were selected as outstanding enough to receive honorable mentions.

DeLyle Olson, of Appleton, tells why he was afraid. "Six months ago, due to a broken taillight, I got picked up for speeding. I was going the speed limit, so when I saw red lights go on behind me I sped up. I got up to 75, 80, 85 then 90 miles per hour. Finally I pulled over. By now the police officer was pretty mad. He said, 'What is your problem? I was just trying to stop your for a broken taillight.' I explained to him that two weeks ago my wife ran away with a police officer and when I saw the red lights flashing behind me, I though he was trying to return her.'

Jim Kubath of Palm Spring, Calif., has the problem all of us do. "Not to say the price of gasoline is high out here, but each gas station has its own loan officer."

R.M. Eimermann, of Oconomowoc, laments that, "My closet is so damp that my wooden shoe trees are sprouting branches."

Gene Lasch, of Shawano, says, "My neighbor eats fish three times a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. In fact, he eats so many fish that each spring he gets the urge to swim upstream and spawn."

Wild Bill Taylor, of Westbrook, Conn., told us, "A fellow had a mind so narrow that all his thoughts went through sideways."

Jim Stark, of East Troy claims, "I work with an old carpenter who has a folding rule which has all of the markings and numbers worn off. He still uses the rule and explains that his memory is so good that he knows where are the marks and numbers are."

Lies can be mailed to the Burlington Liars Club, Box 156, Burlington, WI 53105.

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